Just the three of us ladies

The telemarketer

2008-05-14T02:37:00.000-07:00

The other night, I was reading to the girls on my bed and the phone rang. I couldn't tell due to the number on the caller id, if it was my dad (who calls with a calling card and the number that comes up is a random 800 number) or if it is a telemarketer. I answer. It's a telemarketer.

She goes through part of her dialog and I say to her "this isn't a good time, I'm putting my children to bed right now" and she says "Oh, I am so sorry" and I say quickly, before she tells me she will call me back "Would you please take me off your calling list?" (and as a side note, I AM on the "do not call" list but somehow still get calls on occasion, which is utterly annoying)

And of course, because they have to by law, she says she will oblige.

Anna stares at me. She stammers around. She is breathless when she says "Mommy! That telemarketer called Daddy's house this weekend and HE told her to take him off her calling list too!"

She shakes her head in disbelief. "I can't believe it! You both got a call from THE telemarketer!!!!"

Brushes with Celebrity

2008-05-12T17:32:00.000-07:00

So, we've all had our run ins with celebrities. Having grown up in the HEART of celebrities, near Malibu, Ca, I played beach volleyball with Randy Stoklos' brother (okay, I lived a block from Randy Stoklos) and I played in a volleyball league with an Epic records guy. I ran track with the girl in "Honey I Shrunk the Kids" and the Deluise brothers (Peter, David, Michael...) went to my high school. David Deluise is now in a bunch of commercials and on a Disney show my children like to watch. I know there are more folks, like eating at the local deli next to Chevy Chase and his family and seeing Billy Idol standing in front of his house. Meryl Streep and Walter Mathau's wife shopped at a store I worked at in highschool.

Yet my favorite story is this:

I went to a highschool where there was a mix of kids. Some bussed from the inner city, some rode their skateboards to school, some drove BMWs and some drove VW buses with their surfboards hanging out the back (like me). One thing that happened to be consistant was that we had "students" who were "narks". Remember 21 Jump Street with Johnny Depp? (and Peter Deluise, speaking of...)...they were narks.

We had narks. Usually a few things pointed them out to us: a) they usually had a hall pass at odd times b) quietly "the new guy" hanging with the druggies c) after a drug bust, the nark mysteriously "transferred" schools.

So, the first day of my sophomore year in high school, my friend and I are sitting outside of our History class, waiting for the teacher to open up. And there is this HOT guy named Antonio standing around. He looked like he could have been about 10 years older than us, he was mature, he was HOT, he was a big hot burly guy in 11th grade English.

We enter the classroom and the teacher promptly sits us at our desks in alphabetical order. My last name began with an "R", his with an "S" so consequently, the hot guy was sitting behind me. I had ALL semester with a hot guy behind me! Of course, my friend who's last name began with a "B" was way at the front of the room, silently cursing me and mouthing foul words in my direction. Oh, my luck.

The guy was nice. He was hot. He never tried to cheat on the tests. I don't think he did his homework very often though. He ended up on the football team for a while. He used to tease me about my name and make jokes and he'd wave to me in the hall. The best was that I had LONG hair and I generally would go to school directly from surfing in the early a.m. and I don't know if it was the crusty salt water in my hair, but he would play with it, since I was in front of him and my hair I guess got in the way. (oh, and I liked it, yes, I liked it!)

And then, there was a drug bust and then he was gone.

My friend and I had decided he was a nark. A few months later, we saw him on campus and he came over to say hello. I said "hey, what happened to you?"

Hot guy: I transferred schools.

Me: Yeah RIIIIGHT!

SIX months later, my friend runs up to me with a magazine. "You've got to see this!"

There, in the magazine, was the guy modeling. Nark, my ass. Coincidental that he left right after the drug bust.

I end up talking to a guy I knew on the football team and he said that one day, the guy said "I'm outa here, I'm going to make some money" and disappeared from the team, which was when he disappeared from school.

A few years later, he was on General Hospital and modeling underwear for Calvin Klein.

He certainly got "outa" there and made "some money".

I just looked him up online and he's still hot. Not my type, a little too "metro sexual" for me, but there is no denying that he is hot. And that I would have a one-nighter with him in an instant.

Oh, it was this guy, Antonio Sabato, Jr. "HALLO ANTONIO! REMEMBER ME??!?!?!!"

A Letter on Mother's Day

2008-05-09T08:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Girls,

The greatest thing in my life is the two of you. It took me a little while to hold steadfast to that notion, to notice that it was you that straightened me out in the end, to realize that for your protection, I had to change our lives, for my sanity, and the greater possibility to raise you with great self esteem. To help you become young women with self confidence and motivation and the energy to make your own decisions, the WILL to be whole women, to recognize the need for that in your lives and follow through with it with self assurance. I am glad I have shown up for this.

I have my favorite times of the day with you two, the first being when you wake up and file in to my bedroom together with your hair standing on end and your arms filled with your loved ones, "Foofie" and "Lambie", and you climb into bed with me. If it is early, you somehow know to be quieter than usual, so that all I can hear is your breathing and the sucking sound of Claire's binky. Sometimes, when your hair is sticking to the dried snot on the side of your face, I like to peel it away so your beautiful faces emerge smiling and refreshed from a good night's sleep. If I am perhaps already out of bed and downstairs, the entrance you two make in the morning is that of "TA DA!!!! HERE WE ARE NOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH US?" And although I always love seeing you, on the mornings where you arrive screaming and slapping each other over some toy you'd left on the stairs the night before, I want to send you back to bed for a "re-do".

Going to bed at night is another time I love. Reading stories on my bed all together and then singing hymns back in your bedroom. The way Anna likes to snuggle and "get cozy" and the way Claire puts her hand on my face when I am singing and stares into my eyes and hums along, it is a requirement for you to have your face 1 inch from mine at all times at bedtime, both of you.

There are so many other highlights, you've recently discovered pink lemonade. So yesterday when were at the grocery store and you kept asking me to show you where the lemons are. I wheeled the cart by the lemons but you weren't finding what you were looking for.

"Honey, the lemons are RIGHT THERE!."

"No, Mommy, we're looking for the pink lemons."

I love how your minds work. I love how you love everything around you (except green food).

In a way, I feel like I spaced out in part of your babyhood, even though I was with both of you from the moment you were born. Being married, for me, was taking away what I was gaining in young adulthood. I was not yet strong enough to stand on my own or know who I am and be married. So, that took away from the moments that could have been more joyous for us as a family, although I noticed everything.

As we have set out on our own now, you know that although we are not all together, we all love each other. I love your daddy because he is your daddy. And he is a good daddy to you both. I love you because you are both little bundles of joy with strong spirits, deep souls, and creative minds, with no lack for lightheartedness and days filled with silliness, fun and enlightenment.

You both teach me how to continue on each day, feeling and knowing that I am lacking nothing, because I am learning about who I am, and who I am is your Mom, but I am still accepted by you and I am still a whole person. Even when there is much to learn and grow from, we are all still "whole".

I love you both and can't wait to see what happens next each day!

Early Morning Mondays

2008-05-05T14:44:00.001-07:00

I pick my girls up at their dad's every Monday morning at 6:30am and drive them 45 minutes home to get them to school on time. (which means I leave my house at 5:30am) It's touch and go on Mondays. Mondays, I ain't so pretty. I roll out of bed and throw on clothes and get in the car. Sometimes I don't throw on clothes but wear my pajamas. Depending on how I feel. Mondays I hide all day, without a shower, without much sleep, with an odd outfit I've put together in the dark, and without brushed hair. I never brush my hair on Mondays.

You'd think I'd get it together around 9 after the girls are both in school. But I don't. I tend to keep it grungy. I just go with it.

As for the girls, it is touch and go with them too. Most of the time, if they went to bed at a decent time, they are awake, fed and ready to get in the car. Sometimes they are still sleeping when I get there. Sometimes there may be some sort of other "issue".

This morning in particular, there was a little upset. Anna was crying when I got there. Claire was nonchalantly going about her business getting her stuff together and walking out to the car. Their dad finally said "Claire's wearing Anna's underwear and she won't take it off." Yes, my little one decided to wear her big sister's underwear today and refused to change out of them. There was no resolution other than that Anna finally had to just accept it. And she did.

6 things tag

2008-04-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

My friend tagged me on her blog. Which means I have to follow along. Because she says so. That's how she is. She tells you to do something, you do it. Really. So here it is:

Tell about 6 spectacular quirks of yours. Tag 6 more bloggers by linking them. (which I probably won't do) Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger's blogs letting them know they've been tagged. (which I probably won't do.

1) I love sand dollars. But when they are dry and dead in our shell basket, I still feel like I am killing it all over again if it breaks.

2) My closet door must be closed when I go to bed at night. My children's closet door must be closed at night when I go to bed.

3) I am a coffee snob. I am very picky about coffee. If I have Folders to choose from over nothing, I will choose nothing, no matter the caffeine withdrawal. I prefer anything organic like Jim's or I will buy Peet's, Starbucks as long as it is French Roast, and the one dark roast from Trader Joe's in the blue can. And anything that costs more than $10 a pound, I generally like.

4) I love turning off all the ringers on my phones at night, including my cell, when my girls are in their beds, safe and asleep.

5) I dislike bathroom fans. Can't stand them.

6) Mindless television is the best.

Dear Mom

2008-04-27T15:57:00.001-07:00

Dear Mom,

Everything has been fine at your house the whole six weeks you've been gone. The heat never went out. Your car started just fine when I ran it for a few moments. No one broke in. Your mail is all set. The roof didn't cave in.

Today was our last day to check on the place before you return on Friday.

I am sorry to say that my two sweet little girls, your grandbabies, disappeared in your yard for a bit. I went to find them, I could hear them, but I couldn't see them...when I found them, they were each clutching some enormous bouquets of beautiful flowers.

I am happy to say that many of your bulbs came up, just in time for your return. The daffodils especially. Gosh, they are beautiful.

I am sorry to say, they are no longer in the garden but in a glass on your kitchen counter, waiting for you.

I am glad to report that I stopped them before they picked the tulips.

Welcome home.

Love, your daughter.

Mommy Hormones

2008-04-10T05:40:00.000-07:00

You know it's "Mommy Hormones" when you cry over:

1) ....your kids climbing in bed with you at the break of dawn in those little cozy bear like feetie pajamas and sing Coldplay songs, specifically the "Dumb" song (Kingdom Come).

2) ....your children kissing you and it tastes like hotdogs and lollipops, leaving residue on your lips that you taste for the rest of the day (or until you wash your face, but how could you do that???)

3) ....your preschooler telling you she almost cried at school because she missed you but when snacktime came around, she was "A-OK!"

4) ....your two daughters thinking you are a real princess that once lived in a castle because they saw a picture of you in your wedding dress.

5) ....your children thinking you are the "bestest" singer in the whole wide world and you have a "really really really really good voice, Mommy!"

6) ....lying in the dark beside your three year old singing bedtime hymns to her before sleep and she has her face right next to your's, gazing in your eyes by nightlight, soft hand on your cheek, and then sticking her tongue out and licks your nose.

7) ....your children screaming and crying and kicking when it is time for them to go with their dad for the weekend (okay, this has only happened twice in a year, thankfully, but it is bittersweet....nice to know they miss me, but difficult to know they are having a hard time with it)

8) ....your children singing "Happy Bird-day to Mommy" three full weeks before your birthday, multiple times a day.

9) ....your daughters play "Little House on the Prairie" and sing the theme, the way you did with your sister 30 years ago

10) ....you look at your body in the mirror and realize you finally lost all the baby weight....just 5 years after the last one was born....size 6? Wooo hooooo!

Questions Questions Questions

2008-03-30T19:46:00.000-07:00

I am not sure what has brought on the slew of questions this week but they have come rampantly from both girls. I am thinking they are a little two young to question these things and often my response has been "Where on earth did you hear THAT?"

I mean, look at that picture over on the right...don't they seem awfully YOUNG?

I am saving a list to tackle sometime soon, after doing some research on the internet. Because you can get ANYTHING off the internet...even simple answers for the young ones. And perhaps after some consulting with some other moms and perhaps a child psychologist. Just to be sure I say the right things in response to a 5 and 7 year old.

___________________________

Anna: "Mommy, what's this SIX thing?"

Me: "Six thing?"

Anna: "Noooo, I mean SEX."

________________________

Anna: "Mommy, I know exactly what I want for Christmas, I want to tell you so you will get it for me!"

Me: "What? A new Barbie hair dresser kit?"

Anna: "Nope. I want diamonds. Lots of them."

_________________________

After singing this to Claire at bedtime, from the Bible (there is actually a tune I learned as a kid):

Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.

Claire: "What's HELL?"

Get Well

2008-03-26T17:47:00.000-07:00

This morning my first grader woke up and mumbled "I don't feel like I want to go to school today. Can I stay home?"

"Absolutely not," I said, after asking a slew of questions about her head, throat, nose, stomach, to be sure I wasn't sending her to school while not feeling well. She affirmed everything was in place so she went to school.

When I got home from dropping her off I found the card she had made me while she was eating breakfast. On the front it said "To Mommy" and had a big heart.

Inside it looked like this:
I'll "translate": "Dear Mommy, I wold rele like you to mack me a feel better card."

And so I did.

I made one for each girl because in addition to the first grader just not wanting to go, my preschooler was complaining about her stomach hurting. That ended up being because she refused to eat breakfast OR go to the bathroom. And you can be certain that a child will not stay home from school due to refusal to eat a meal or relieve herself.

Easter Happy Stuff

2008-03-24T17:29:00.000-07:00

I was lonely when the kids went to their dad's house for Easter weekend.

I felt a little s-a-d, not being with the kids on such a fun holiday. I mean, it isn't the same having the Easter baskets arrive for them on MONDAY after school. But such is divorced life.

Anyway, I thought I would walk down to the little general store on the way to the beach, just down from my house.

And there, I found these
Life is good. I can take a 5 minute walk and buy these. Ooo. And look. ZERO trans fats. It kept me from raiding the Easter Baskets I've hidden in the laundry room...before they even get them.

Smell This

2008-03-21T15:29:00.000-07:00

Claire, the 5 year old, holds up her index finger and demands "SMELL THIS!!!!"

I smell it. "What does it smell like?" I ask, not able to determine.

Laughing, she says "My butt!!!"

Fluffy White Sparkle

2008-03-18T17:17:00.000-07:00

One of the things that are to be accepted as a divorced parent is that you don't always celebrate holidays on the exact day that it falls. For instance, in four years, I have yet to spend Easter with my girls because the holiday falls on their weekend with their dad. Technically, we swap off, but if I have them back on Easter day, it means they miss a day with their dad that he would normally have them.

My mom is leaving for six weeks to Los Angeles in a few days so she asked if we could "do Easter" this past weekend instead, when the girls were with me. So, we headed out on Saturday morning to the mall.

Yes, the mall.

I must have been on crack to take them to Build-a-Bear...again. It was my mother's idea because I personally don't think we need a TWELFTH stuffed bear in a Paris Hilton tube top. There were some cute Easter bunnies and chicks to choose from. Unfortunately you can't quite control what a seven and five year old are going to want to pick...when there are about THIRTY other animals lining the shelves.

Of course, they gravitated towards the white poodles.

Yes.

"White poodles", I say.

One currently sits beside me in a halter top and some sort of jean shorts. The other is sitting on the kitchen stool with a Flashdance-like outfit, complete with a microphone. There are dog beds that look like they belong in a brothel. We even have glittery leashes that will make that Paris drool.

Snot on tights

2008-03-16T08:23:00.000-07:00

This morning, my 7 year old dressed herself on her own. I didn't realize how particular she was until she was 2 and refused to wear anything but dresses. At first it was acceptable to put a dress on over jeans or leggings, but then she insisted on bare legs or tights, no matter the -10 New England weather.

Today, she came running into the kitchen screaming her head off, tears, red in the face. I was just sitting down to a cup of coffee.

"Claire wiped her snot on my tights!" she cried. Sure enough, the snail trail snot extended from knee to ankle on her new pink tights, compliments of her five year old sister.

At first I laughed. But the devastation on her face made me feel bad and we found a new pair of tights (snot-less). It mattered that there was snot on her tights, but it didn't matter that the only pair of tights left in her closet completely clashed with her dress.

I don't want to raise my child as a perfectionist. I want her to focus on trying hard, her best, not with an idea that things are only "good" if things are up to certain standards at all times. It is important to have standards, but in the event of an accidental run-in with snot, we have to learn to deal with it. What if we'd been at the mall or at a birthday party? I couldn't have (or wouldn't have) run out and bought a new pair of tights.

We fluctuate here in life. Sometimes my face is broken out and I try hard to cover it with subtle makeup. Other days my hair is actually looking like I want it to. Last week, I got my hair cut, quite a bit, and my youngest pointed out that I look just like Martha Stewart. Perfection? Maybe by Martha's standards. By mine, I muss it up and stick a bobby pin in to get those front strands out of my eyes so I can see what I'm doing.

Some days I forget my wallet and realize it when I've just done an hour's worth of grocery shopping and am next in line, or leave the vital snacks in the car when we are off for a walk down to the cove. Some days I break a dish, or just manage to scrape the side of the car when I'm lining up with the gas pump at the station. Sometimes all of that happens all in one day, along with the hair and the breakouts. And along with this all, I generally pee with two little companions, waiting for their turn to flush the toilet for me or gather the toilet paper in a big wad to hand over. I'm working on reveling in their enjoyment in it, and help them and be compassionate when there's snot on their tights.

Cleaning out the Bag

2008-03-14T17:27:00.000-07:00

I carry around a leather backpack as my handbag, valuable to me when I have my kids with me, as I can be hands free. Ever tried going out with your kids and a real purse on your shoulder and bend down to pick up your kid and have it swing around and bop them on the head (and knock them out on the sidewalk?)

I clean it out every now and then. Sometimes more often than others. I recall after my five year old was born, I didn't clean out my bag for about 6 months. I was out to dinner for a mom's night out and she was a year old and walking and when it was time to pay for dinner, I had to rummage through a winter hat (it was the middle of July) with a small jingling strawberry bell on the top, some teething cookies (she had stopped with the cookies about 4 months prior) and a toy she had long since lost interest in.

Tonight I cleaned out my bag. I am not sure how long it has been but I remotely recall how two weeks ago I decided it was nigh time.

I found the following:

1) unraveled roll of pooper scooper bags for the boyfriend's dog (which basically means, I had a big mess of plastic in my bag)
2) 12 AA batteries for my digital camera. I know some are old and some are new but cant be sure which are which.
3) 7 year old's princess watch that we blamed the 5 year old for taking and hiding about 3 weeks ago.
4) $72.32 in small bills and coins as I have a bad habit of throwing "change" back directly into my bag when making a purchase, instead of my wallet.
5) 1 roll of scotch tape
6) 11 post it notes with various shopping lists scrawled
7) 6 sticky lolly pop sticks (having been eaten long ago at the bank by the kids)
8) 1 small bottle of Elmer's Glue
9) 12 hair ties (even though we just cut our hair short)
8)1 large empty Pringles can
9)1 Pringles lid
10) Entire contents of large Pringles can crushed in dime and sand size pieces

Jesus on wheels

2008-03-13T10:18:00.000-07:00

My daughters attend Sunday School every Sunday. Whether they are with their dad or with me. I am more likely to let them play hooky, only because I can hardly sit in church for an entire hour without agitating all the church ladies by my swinging leg and picking the nail polish off my fingernails. But I want the kids to know the Bible stuff, the God stuff, the prayer stuff, at least be educated and when they are old enough, they can decide what to investigate, what to believe in.

My 7 year old is fascinated by Jesus and has been for the last few years. We drive by a nativity scene at Christmas, placed on the outer edge of a rotary nearby, and we go around and around about 5 times so she can keep getting a glimpse of Jesus out the window while we adhere to the 25 mile an hour speed limit. Every day that we come within a mile of that rotary, she yells "Let's go see Jesus!!!!"

There's a children's book about the history of the candy cane and part of that history is that when you turn a candy cane upside down, it becomes a "J" for Jesus. She thought that was pretty neato. What she didn't understand was the explanation for the red and white stripes...that the red was symbolic for Jesus' blood running down his body when he was crucified. HOLY COW! Her questions about "why were all those people mean to him?" and "will I die?" began to flow. (don't ask me how I answered them because I don't think I could repeat my simple child-appropriate answers back to her without freaking out)

At the mall there is a kiosk of beautiful hand carved miniatures, of the last supper, Jesus on the cross, the nativity, Mary and Joseph and the donkey traveling along a dirt road. This kiosk took priority over Build-a-Bear, the hermit crab kiosk, even McDonalds.

Once, we were at a store called "Monroe Saltworks" in Boston. They had a toy section of action figures. Later on, we were having lunch with an old family friend. My eldest piped up in between lunch and dessert...."Guess what action figure I saw today!" Auntie guessed..."Superman?" No. "Batman?" No. "Wonderwoman? Bionic Man? Spiderman? Stretch-man?" Noooooooooo.

My little girl stood up on her seat, stretched her arms out wide and with a big grin on her face yelled "JESUS!!!!!!"

Yes, in fact, there were actions figures of Jesus. I bought her one for her birthday that year. He still hangs around every so often. He even has wheels.

Even better though, at Christmas a few years ago, we were out walking around in the newly fallen snow and went into a quaint Christmas shop. Room after room after room of Christmas stuff. You practically have to have a map to find your way around. A snowman room. A Santa room. A crystal room. A caroler room. A Nativity room. A Christmas train room. Wait....A NATIVITY ROOM!!!!! Yes, we spent some time there checking out the many Jesus figures. Obviously, we had to come home with a nativity, which we did. Beautifully handcrafted and painted tin nativity manger, along with Jesus, Mary, Joseph, three wise men, some cows, sheep and a donkey.

All day, I kept hearing from the other room "Hey! HEY! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY! Anyone wanna play JESUS???"

Bulls Eye

2008-03-12T17:21:00.000-07:00

I sometimes wonder how kids find certain things so much fun.

Like running full force towards my "behind" with their heads down like charging bulls, "head-butting" into my backside and yelling "BULLS EYE!!!" and then falling on the ground in fits of laughter.

Comments from my children

2008-03-06T08:50:00.000-08:00

When I was singing hymns at bedtime:

"Mommy, you just spit on me!"

**********
Pointing to blemish on my face while in long line at grocery checkout:

"Mommy, how did you get that big booboo on your face?"

**********
In public restroom with line going out the door (as all women's rooms are):

"Who stunk up the place! Did you POOOOP Mommy?"

*********
My 7 year old is a red head. Like a shiny penny. I should have named her "Penny". My 5 year old is a dark blonde with big whopping blue eyes. Tonight, I was giving them both their medicine and the 5 year old dark blonde haired one said to me "Mommy, I remember having this medicine before with Daddy." And I said "oh, when you weren't feeling well?" and she said "yeah, a long time ago, when I had red hair."

She somehow thinks she once had red hair.
***********
My 5 year old loves to draw and do crafts, as does my 5 year old. But when the 7 year old is at school, the five year old gets the crafts to herself.

Lately, I have been noticing small pieces of cut up colored-on pieces of paper, all over the house. Sometimes in piles. Sometimes in bowls. Sometimes blown all over the place.

I finally asked her what the heck it was, (other than trash) and her response was

"THAT'S MY SALAD!"
***********
The other day, my 7 year old came to me with a broken plastic toy. It is one of those toys that really cant be fixed, at all. She started out asking me for the stapler.

"No honey, a stapler won't work on plastic."

I did try glue, super glue, but it kind of dissolved the plastic, so I cleaned it off and told her it wasn't strong enough, despite it being "super".

She asked for scotch tape.

I say, "Scotch tape isn't strong enough, it won't hold it together, I am sorry, I think we might have to throw this toy away".

She thinks for a moment.

"Break out the duct tape!"

How the heck does my 7 year old know about duct tape?

Teaching to Play Fair and Other Lessons

2008-03-05T09:19:00.000-08:00

I have spent the better part of the morning teaching my 5 1/2 year old the importance of not cheating while playing board games. Perhaps we have mastered it, but I wonder what will happen when her sister steps in, in my place, to play.

I have a remote memory of playing board games, specifically Monopoly, all day with my sister as a kid and when I was losing badly, I would stick my foot out when she wasn't looking and do an "accidental" kick to send the board and pieces flying, so that there was no way to possibly remember where all the properties stood nor could we recreate an accurate bank. It gives me the same guilty feeling even now, of how I felt after sneaking in her room to steal her candy and eating it while she was at a friends' house (where I wasn't invited) playing for the day.

No, that wasn't right. But I remember the feeling of it SEEMING right.

My 5 year old has this ability to freak out over the littlest thing. If there is blood, CRY YOUR HEART OUT! If you are hanging from the chandelier by your belt SCREAM! But if you cant get the doll's tutu on or you cant wipe all the poop off your butt, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SCREAM BLOODY MURDER!!!!!

I have found that I am forever running to her aid, only to find that she wants me to "replay" a song she liked on the cd player. Or help her get the lid back on her tea set teapot.

The other day I told her the story about The Boy Who Cried Wolf. Considering she is scared of wolves (having never seen them before, she is frightened to death of them, imagine that!), I figured it might keep her entranced. I gave examples like "when you cant get your underwear on the right way and you scream, I think you have flushed yourself down the toilet and it scares me" and "when you are crying and yelling for me and i come to find you cant find the "on" button to your musical toy, I think a stranger is kidnapping you". That sort of thing. She seems to respond to the extremes. I don't mean to scare her and if you are a child psychologist and reading this, please know first, before you comment or judge or scold, that this child needs a little scaring to get the point across.

I did in fact have a scare at Target the other day. Before I enter the store (okay, ANY store), I stand them at the door and list off all the things they CAN'T do, like scream and yell and chase and hide and run. And then I list the things they CAN do, like smile and laugh softly and point to things that are pretty and speak in controlled and calm tones. I assure them that when we get to the parking lot they can scream as loud as they like. And when we get to the playground later, they can run and chase as much as they like. But NOT IN TARGET!

So I end up in the clothing section and the kids are both walking next to me by this point, having followed my rules, smiling and nodding at passersby, singing little songs softly, that sort of thing. And then we are in the clothing racks. They disappear INTO the clothing racks. Anna, the older one, appears but we can't find Claire. I am saying her name. Then I am yelling her name and. Then I am frantically screaming her name and looking through the racks and the aisles and about to call 911 on my cell phone. A woman near me starts helping me look and calls for her too and I am near tears. I feel like I am going to pass out and then I am in tears. Anna starts screaming for Claire and suddenly I hear a little voice in the middle of the rack next to me "hear I am". It had all been in a split second, but a split second where I thought I would die.

So I pull her out and grab her and hold her and smell her and am shaking and she's like "Mommy, I was just messing with you".

Both kids got a HUGE scolding. A huge lecture by both me AND the lady that was helping me look for her. They got it. I had to touch on strangers stealing little girls. Seeing me cry and be afraid, and scream and freak out and having a stranger speak to them sternly, THAT worked.

Complaints from today

2008-03-04T10:24:00.001-08:00

"Mommy! Claire took her pants off!"

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah, she has her bare butt on the couch! It's gross!"

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Anna just learned to whistle.

Today I found her upset and sobbing while sitting in front of her hot lunch.

"What's wrong?"

"I can't blow on my food to cool it off."

"How come?"

"Since I learned to whistle, I can't blow anymore, I can only whistle!"

Trying on jeans with a five year old

2008-03-03T10:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I was in a small boutique where I found the best fitting jeans ever....EVER. Do you know how hard it is for a woman with a 34 inch inseam to find jeans that fit around the waist too?

I took my 5 year old in to the changing room to try them on. It was this curtain type door and she kept swishing it open every time I was about to pull my pants off to change...

"Stop opening the door!"

Door swooshes open, crowd of people in store see me struggle to keep it closed while holding my pants up.

"KEEP IT CLOSED!"

"Why Mommy?"

"Because I am changing clothes in here!" I whisper.

In a loud voice she says "OOOOOH, you want me to keep it closed BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOU NAKED?"

"Yesssssssssssssss." I hiss.

Lots of laughter out in the store.

Flash back one week ago...I was in a different store, trying on some other jeans (that I didn't end up buying), with the 5 year old in the changing room. Same scenario but she truly didn't get why I wanted her to keep the changing room door closed, so I said "Nobody wants to see Mommy naked."

There you go.

Conversations with the little one

2008-03-02T08:48:00.000-08:00

"Mommy, I'm really growing."

"Yes, you are."

"My pinky is especially growing!"

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"Mommy, something hurts in my sock."

"Come show me."

I take a look.

"Honey, you have a jumbo Lego in your sock."

"I know, it hurts."

"Then take it out."

"Okay Mommy."

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"I picked my nose."

"Go get a Kleenex."

"No, I don't need a Kleenex."

"Yes, you do, go get one."

"I don't need it."

"Yes, YOU DO."

"No Mommy, I ate it, I don't need a Kleenex but I need a drink of water."

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"Where is California?"

"Across the United States."

"Can I ride my bike there?"

"No, we have to fly."

"I don't know how to fly."

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"The sun is out."

"No, that's the streetlight."

"It's the sun, shining in my eyes, I can wake up now."

"I just put you to bed."

"IT'S THE SUN! I want to wake up now!"

"It's a UFO and the Martians are telling you to go to sleep."

"I don't know that kind of car. What are Martians?"

"Like ET."

"ET's out there? I want to see ET! He has some Reeses Peeeeesies for me, I'll bet."

"Go to sleep, it's nighttime now."

"No it's not, the sun is out."

"It's a streetlight."

"The sun is really bright today, can we go to the playground now?"

One on One Time

2008-02-18T10:14:00.000-08:00

Claire and I had the evening to ourselves once last year as Anna had a sleepover with her granny, who we call "Nanny". (not to be mistaken for a nanny that one would hire to watch their kids, which I do not)

So Claire, who was 3 at the time, and I sit down and look at each other when they leave. I decide I will not clean, fold laundry, do dishes, clean up toys in the next 3 hours (before she goes to bed). I will not multitask. I will let everything go to pot until after she is in bed because this is one on one time with her.

Here goes:

"It's pouring rain out, Claire, you wanna go put on your slicker and boots and slosh around outside for a bit before bath time?"

"No Mommy, I just want to take a baff."

Bath gets filled, I find big thing of bubbles to blow, which she refused to let me help with, entire container of bubbles fall into bath after only blowing for about 2 minutes.

"Mommy, the whole bubble fing fell in my baff."

I had to rinse her off because it appeared to be making her skin turn red and blotchy looking.

"So Claire, what should we make to eat?"

"Blueberry Pie."

Blueberry pie. I actually had blueberries and know how to make a crust.

She brings up the stool to help and ends up ingesting 4 full spoonfuls of sugar before I stop (catch) her and eats approximately 1 tablespoon of butter (I let her and figure since she hasn't eaten anything too substantial in about 3 days, a little fat wouldn't hurt her). Claire looks at blueberries and yells "HEY!!! THOSE AREN'T BLUE!!!! THOSE ARE PURPLE!!!!!!!! BLUEBERRIES ARE A LIE! THEY DON'T TELL THE TWOOF!"

I forgot the pie crust needed to refrigerated for an hour so it is apparent that the pie will not be ready before Blue goes to sleep (as it would be out right about when I would start putting her to bed. So she has agreed that it would be sufficient to have it for breakfast if I bake it while she is in bed. Oh yes, compromises, people.

We look out at the rain "Wow," I state, "it just keeps raining, doesn't it?"

Nodding 3 year old, bobbing head up and down. "Yes Mommy. Maybe it will funderstorm tonight and maybe there will be beers!"

"Beers?"

"BEEEEEERS!"

Claire growls and claws at me.

"OH BEARS!!!!!!!"

"Yeah beers, maybe there will be funderstorms and beers, they are bofe very spooky!"

Other than that, before bed, it ends up the pie WAS ready so since she decided she no longer LOVED salmon, as she did yesterday, I let her stay up a little longer to eat a piece of pie...for dinner. We'll most likely eat it for breakfast too.

And last but not least, I cut myself on that dang sharp edge of the tin foil box and she saw the blood, shrieked and ran to the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. Thinking she was afraid, very afraid, I knock on the door and she yelled "JUST A MINUTE!" So I figured maybe she got preoccupied and decided to go potty or something so I waited and slowly the door opened and she handed me a Barbie band aid, all ready opened and peeled and ready to stick.

"I'll take care of my Mommy."

I love one on one time.

Stalling at Bedtime

2008-02-17T08:58:00.000-08:00

"I have to go potty"

"You just went potty 3 minutes ago."

"I have to poop this time."

"You pooped 5 minutes ago."

"Oh. Maybe I just want to spit into the toilet then."

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"I want a carrot, can I have a carrot? I WANT A CARROT!"

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"My eyes won't close, so I have to come watch some tv."

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Anna: "Blue's snoring and keeping me awake."

Claire: "I'm not snoring! I'm not even asleep yet!"

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A Pause

2008-02-16T09:58:00.000-08:00

While eating dinner, Claire stopped, put her fork down and said "I need to PAUSE this dinner for a moment so I can go to the baffroom!"

She learned the meaning for "pause" I realized later, from "pausing" the Tivo for bathroom breaks.